Dead People Don’t Drool by Gary O. Bennett
INT. UPPER WEST SIDE APARTMENT 1
A spare room. Two chairs separated by a coffee table. A
glass containing a clear liquid sits on the coffee table. On
each chair sits a woman. They can be any age.
ALICE
I don’t think this is necessary.
FRAN
What’s that?
ALICE
What I’m planning to do.
FRAN
Then don’t do it.
TB
I must.
FRAN
Then it’s necessary.
ALICE
No it’s not. I must do it because I’m
compelled to do it. I’m compelled. Do
you understand?
FRAN
You’re compelled.
ALICE
Do you understand what that means?
FRAN
I never understand you.
ALICE
Then why do I talk to you?
FRAN
Because your compelled.
ALICE
You’re annoying me.
FRAN
Then I should leave.
ALICE
No.
FRAN
You are asking me to stay?
ALICE
Yes.
FRAN
I will stay. But I will not be involved.
ALICE
You’ll miss me?
FRAN
At times?
ALICE
What do you mean “at times”?
FRAN
I can’t miss you continuously. I will
get hungry. I will get sleepy. My mind
will wander. I will see things, hear
things … that will distract me. I will
need to go shopping. To buy things. I
will see my friends, go to the movies,
watch TV. The news. The news will
distract me. But there will be times
when I think of you… As the months
pass … I will think of you less and
less.
ALICE
As the months pass?
FRAN
That’s what I said.
ALICE
Not as the years pass?
FRAN
Why is this important to you? After you
are gone, your life is irrelevant to you.
It is only relevant to us who knew
you…those who are still alive.
If you love us, then you would hope we
would not grieve at all because grieving
is negative.
ALICE
Everything sounds so empty.
FRAN
All sounds are empty. And words are
sounds. If you don’t put meaning into
words…then they are nothing but
meaningless sounds. You must make them
mean something.
ALICE
I can’t.
FRAN
That is for you to decide.
ALICE
You could get into trouble.
FRAN
Being alive is nothing more than
confronting trouble. Dead things don’t
have trouble.
ALICE
Dead things are lucky.
FRAN
You will not get me to say that.
ALICE
You’re an accomplice.
FRAN
I offer no assistance.
ALICE
You’re letting me do it. You’re going to
watch me.
FRAN
I have no obligation to stop you. The
law is clear.
ALICE
The law?
FRAN
The law is clear.
ALICE
What about your conscience?
FRAN
The law is a guide for my conscience. My
conscience is clear.
ALICE
What about god?
FRAN
God is relevant if you believe him to be
relevant. I do not.
ALICE
There is no afterlife?
FRAN
You are trying to make me a part of your
plan. I will not indulge you.
ALICE
Is there an afterlife?
FRAN
Life…death…afterlife. What if it’s
life…death…nothing? Does that change
things?
ALICE
Maybe.
FRAN
Death is a myth, you know. It doesn’t
really exist. Existence requires space,
it takes up space and time. Death takes
up no space, no time. There is life,
then there is no life. There is no space
between life and no life. No interval of
death. Death is a myth. This discussion
has no meaning.
ALICE
Should I do it now?
FRAN
If I say yes, I’m an accomplice. If I
say no, that implies you need my
permission. Worse, it implies I approve
of your intention, just not your timing.
ALICE
But you’re going to watch?
FRAN
Yes.
ALICE
You want to watch?
FRAN
You’re my friend.
ALICE
What does that mean?
FRAN
We do things together.
ALICE
Then you will join me?
FRAN
I will be with you. I will not join you.
You are selfish to ask.
ALICE
Will you hold me?
FRAN
I would rather not plan it. To plan it
means I’m involved. I will do what the
moment commands me to do. We all live
from moment to moment.
ALICE
Can I ask you to hold me?
FRAN
You may ask me.
ALICE
I’m asking.
FRAN
Now or when it’s over?
ALICE
At the very last moment.
FRAN
I can’t promise you.
ALICE picks up the glass. She holds it up and looks at it.
ALICE
Are you certain there’s enough.
FRAN
I’m not involved.
ALICE
A life, a full life can be taken away by
one small glass of water.
FRAN
Before your life was empty. Now it is so
full?
ALICE
The contemplation of death makes you
appreciate life.
FRAN
That sounds like a cliche.
ALICE
I certainly shouldn’t let a cliche save
my life.
FRAN
A life can only be saved by something
meaningful.
ALICE
I’m not strong enough.
FRAN
It is settled then.
ALICE
Don’t you want to convince me otherwise?
FRAN
And if I did so and your life turned out
to be miserable, or maybe you would make
someone else’s life miserable, or maybe
you might even kill someone, then, what
will I have done. No. I will not get
involved. You life is in your hands.
ALICE holds up the glass.
ALICE
I’ll drink it now…should I drink it
now?
FRAN
You are becoming a bore. In fact, you
have always been a bore. Always about
you, this is your only concern. And now,
this suicide, it’s all about you. You
want to make it all about you, and you
are doing everything you can to get me to
beg you to stop, to save your own life.
Well, I’m not going to do it.
ALICE swallows the water in one gulp. A long moment passes.
ALICE feels her stomach.
ALICE
How long do I have?
FRAN
There you go again.
ALICE
Say something.
FRAN
You can’t order me around.
ALICE doubles over. Fran watches. A moment passes.
ALICE
Call a doctor.
FRAN
Are you ordering me?
ALICE
I’m asking you goddammit.
ALICE falls to the floor. Fran hesitates. She moves to the
telephone. Before picking up the handset…
FRAN
Are you certain you wish me to call a
doctor?
ALICE cries out in pain. Fran goes to her. Fran kneels on
the floor and holds ALICE.
FRAN
I’ve come to you. I’m here.
ALICE
Yes.
FRAN
I will be with you at the moment.
ALICE
Did you call the doctor?
FRAN
It will be over. It will all be over in
a moment.
ALICE goes limp. Fran rocks her. A moment passes. Fran
then lies ALICE on the floor. Fran rises and sits on the
chair. The door opens. Henry walks in. He walks up to
ALICE.
HENRY
How did it go?
FRAN
Don’t just stand there, check her pulse.
Henry moves quickly to ALICE and touches her ankle.
FRAN
Her wrist, you idiot.
Henry grabs ALICE’s wrist. He then rises slowly.
FRAN
Is she…
HENRY
She has expired.
FRAN
Expired? She’s dead. Dead, Henry. I
can’t believe it.
HENRY
Now calm down, Fran. Here, you want one
of your pills?
Henry grabs a vile of pills off the side table. Fran shakes
her head.
HENRY (CONT’D)
Well then, take some deep breaths.
FRAN
You take some deep breaths, Henry.
There’s a dead person on my floor. A
dead human being. And one that’s not
easy to move. Henry, I can’t believe she
really did it? She talked about it.
People talk about it. But she actually
did it.
HENRY
You practically poured it down her mouth,
Fran.
FRAN
What are you talking about?
HENRY
Your nonsense about not being involved is
enough to drive anybody over the edge.
FRAN
You were listening?
HENRY
You think I’m going to sit for hours in
your bedroom closet next to your three
pairs of fur slippers like some shoe
fetish lap dog. Of course I was
listening. It’s you who doesn’t listen.
I told you to do everything you could to
stop her without really stopping her.
FRAN
I’m not responsible.
HENRY
Maybe not legally. What do we do now?
FRAN
We call the police.
HENRY
I don’t think so.
FRAN
Why not?
HENRY
It’s suspicious.
FRAN
You just said we did nothing illegal.
HENRY
The truth is irrelevant. ALICE is dead
in your apartment from poison she took in
your presence drinking water from one of
your glasses. The police are hardly
going to accept your story about how you
did everything in your power to stop her.
FRAN
Our story, Henry. Our story.
HENRY
This is not my apartment. In fact, I
wasn’t in the room.
FRAN
No, you were just hiding out in the
bedroom. Sounds suspicious to me.
HENRY
I wasn’t even here, Fran.
FRAN
Look, I had no obligation to stop her.
She was sick. Everyone knows she was
sick, on the edge. I offered her a
comfortable place to do it. Better, I
tried to get her to stop.
HENRY
So why haven’t you called an ambulance?
Why didn’t you call for help?
Fran pasues for a moment.
HENRY
You see how messy this is. We have to
get rid of the body.
FRAN
In the middle of Manhattan? What are we
going to do, take a cab?
HENRY
There’s a dumpster down the block.
FRAN
Oh, great, and we’ll just carry ALICE
right past the doorman.
HENRY
Put her in a bag.
FRAN
Forget it. George will just stop us at
the door and in his most annoyingly
helpful manner, take the bag to the
basement where all the other garbage is.
HENRY
What’s wrong with that?
FRAN
You think I can sleep in this building
knowing ALICE’s in the basement?
Besides, the laundry room is down there.
I’m out of underwear, and I have to do a
load, Henry, this weekend. They don’t
pick up the garbage til Tuesday.
HENRY
A dead woman is lying on your living room
floor and your concerned about not having
underwear.
FRAN
You’re a man, you wouldn’t understand.
HENRY
What about acid?
FRAN
Acid?
HENRY
Yea. The bathtub.
FRAN
I don’t know anything about acid.
HENRY
You just stick her in the bathtub. In an
hour, she’s gone. I saw it on The X
Files.
FRAN
An hour? It takes just an hour? What
are you, a chemist? No. You’re a
goddamn accountant, Henry. You know
nothing about acid. I know nothing about
acid.
HENRY
We’ll buy a book. Barnes & Noble will
have something on it, I’m sure.
FRAN
Oh, for chrissake, by the time we figure
it all out, she will have decomposed on
my floor, on my new Persian rug. She’s
going to leave a huge stain on my Persian
rug. Give me a pill.
Henry grabs the vile of pills, opens it and shakes one out
into his hand. He gives it to Fran.
HENRY
You only have two left.
Henry places the vile down on the center table.
FRAN
Why didn’t we do this at your place?
HENRY
She didn’t want to kill herself in the
Bronx, remember.
Fran grabs her jacket.
FRAN
Her mouth is open.
HENRY
It happens when people are dead.
FRAN
No, but she’s going to drool. She’s
going to drool on my rug. Put something
under her mouth, Henry.
Fran moves to the door.
HENRY
She’s dead, Fran. Dead people don’t
drool. Where are you going?
FRAN
I’m getting a cappucino.
HENRY
Can you pick me up a latte?
FRAN
You want a biscotti and bagel too? We’re
not having a picnic, Henry.
Fran leaves and shuts the door from behind. Henry walks
slowly to a chair and sits.
HENRY
You can get up, now. Fran has departed.
ALICE rises slowly, massaging her neck, and stretching her
arms and legs as she does so.
ALICE
Dead people don’t drool. Where did you
come up with that one?
HENRY
It seemed like the right thing to say.
ALICE
And what if she agreed to wrap me up in a
garbage bag and dump me in the dumpster?
What would you have done then?
HENRY
I knew she wouldn’t go for it.
ALICE
Oh, you knew. And you knew she wouldn’t
call the police, or stick me in acid, for
chrissake.
HENRY
Everything’s under control, ALICE. You
see how Fran has done exactly everything
I predicted. She even went out for her
goddamn cappuccino. So I implore you not
to get hysterical on me, OK. One
hysterical woman is enough.
ALICE
I’m not hysterical. It’s just that
you’re excessively cocky. You think
you’ve figured everything out. You think
everything is under control. And such an
attitude is dangerous when you’re in the
process of murdering someone.
HENRY
And don’t you just love the process?
ALICE
You say that like you’ve done this
before.
HENRY
Nope. Fran will be my first.
ALICE
And your last, Henry. Once she’s…once
she’s…
HENRY
Dead.
ALICE
Whatever, we’ll get the money and live a
moral and ethical life. Do you hear me?
No more thrills, nor more…no more…
HENRY
Murders.
ALICE
Yes. And we’re going to go to church,
Henry. We’re going to have children.
We’re going to heaven. Do you
understand?
HENRY
Heaven sounds good. But did I hear you
say something about children?
ALICE
That’s a joke, right? You’re joking?
HENRY
Look, I’ve been thinking. Maybe it’s not
a good idea for us to have children.
ALICE
Excuse me?
HENRY
Well now listen to me. There’s a reason
that incest is against the law.
ALICE
You’re about to…about to…
HENRY
Murder Fran.
ALICE
Yeah, and you’re concerned about the
incest laws?
HENRY
No. I’m concerned about the children.
They might be retarded or deformed.
ALICE
Why, because we’re cousins?
HENRY
Yes.
ALICE
You raise this as a concern now. After
you and I made a vow twenty two years ago
to get married and have children, and
now, when we’re on the brink of bliss,
financial and romantic bliss, you start
to have second thoughts?
HENRY
Look, I got half the money. Isn’t that
enough?
ALICE
It’s not enough to buy a co-op and a
house in the Hamptons and to go to Paris
every year, is it? It’s not enough to
send our kids to private school.
HENRY
There you go with the kids again.
ALICE
Listen to me. Your sister treats you
like shit. And besides, you didn’t get
half. She got this apartment.
HENRY
I got the house.
ALICE
The house, Henry? The house in the
Bronx, Henry? The Bronx.
HENRY
It’s not like this apartment is a palace.
ALICE
I’m not living in the Bronx, Henry.
HENRY
We’ll sell the house.
ALICE
Henry, you live in a Puerto Rican
neighborhood. How much you going to get
from those people?
HENRY
They’re very decent people, ALICE.
ALICE
I don’t give a rats ass how decent they
are. Do they have mullah?
HENRY
They work hard. They have families. They
must have some money.
ALICE
Listen to me, Fran got the better deal.
And I want her money. You deserve her
money.
HENRY
I got $687,000. Fran got $687,000. I
got the house, she got the apartment.
Besides, she was born with a bad heart.
That all seems fair to me.
ALICE
So then why did I go through this charade
to convince Fran that I’m dead, huh? Why
did I spend weeks convincing her that I
was suicidal?
HENRY
I know you’re right. Fran has not been
the best sister. She was not the best
daughter either. She treated Mom and Dad
like they were children. She has always
been nasty…to me…to everyone. And so
I guess when you came up with this whole
idea, it sounded like a way I could get
back at her. Teach her a lesson. But
when she gets back and finds that you’re
still alive, that will be a lesson
enough. Don’t you think? You know how
she hates being made a fool of.
ALICE grabs Henry by the collar and violently throws him up
against the wall.
ALICE
You listen to me you little pansy ass.
We are not doing this to teach Fran a
lesson. We’re doing this for the money.
Look at me. Look at me Henry. We
planned everything. Everything is worked
out. You and Fran have no relatives.
She has no will. When she’s dead, you’ll
get everything…which means we’ll get
everything. Which means we will have a
great life together. And believe me, no
one will miss that bitch. Fran is one of
the most hated human beings on the Upper
West Side.
Fran releases Henry, who has been quite shaken by ALICE’s
ouALICEurst.
ALICE (CONT’D)
OK. So now I will go into the bedroom
and get ready. You have the story
straight.
HENRY
Yes.
ALICE
Good. Remember one thing, Henry. I love
you.
ALICE disappears into the bedroom. The picture FADES TO
BLACK. Then, we FADE BACK UP. Henry sits at the center
table fingering the Fran’s vile of pills. Fran walks in.
She’s holding her Starbucks cappuccino cup and a bag of
Starbucks finger food.
FRAN
Where is she?
HENRY
Now sit down, Fran, and I’ll explain
everything.
FRAN
I’m not sitting down.
HENRY
I lied to you.
FRAN
I’m listening.
HENRY
Well, you see, when I suggested that we
get acid, you know, to disintegrate
ALICE…well…you see…
FRAN
Henry…I hate when you hem and haw.
HENRY
Well…I already bought the acid in
anticipation of our problem.
FRAN
What are you saying?
HENRY
So I put ALICE in the bathtub and she’s
right now, at this moment,
disintegrating.
FRAN
You didn’t…she’s not…
HENRY
Yes, but there was a small problem. You
see ALICE was still alive. She started
to wake up, and so I hit her on the head
and dragged her into the bathroom. And
then I…
FRAN
Are you telling me she’s disintegrating
alive? In my jacuzzi? She’s lying in my
jacuzzi floating in acid and turning into
some liquid ooze? Is that what you’re
telling me?
HENRY
It takes awhile for her to disintegrate.
I read that 24 hours is…
FRAN
You read…you read…did you read
anything about how acid can ruin a
jacuzzi, did you, Henry? That jacuzzi
cost me three thousand dollars, do you
hear me? This acid better not leave a
stain….Did you say she was alive?
HENRY
Yes.
FRAN
Henry, do you hear yourself? If she was
alive, why did you hit her on the head
and put her in the acid?
HENRY
Because we have to get rid of the body.
Fran grabs Henry by the collar and throws him up against the
wall, just like ALICE did before.
FRAN
But she was alive, you idiot. If she was
alive, we don’t have to get rid of the
body. Do you have a fucking brain,
Henry? Before, maybe we did something
wrong by not stopping a suicide. But now
it’s murder. Murder.
HENRY
Jeez…I didn’t think of that.
FRAN
You didn’t think of that because you’re a
fucking moron. You can’t think if you
don’t have a goddamn brain. Oh shit.
What are we going to do now? What the
fuck are we going to do now? We’re going
to prison. Both of us.
HENRY
Now Fran, calm down. We’ll think of
something.
FRAN
Oh god, my chest. We’re are my pills?
HENRY
Right here.
At this moment, the door to the bedroom flings open and
rushing in comes ALICE, her clothes tattered, as if destroyed
by acid, and her face is all made up to appear like it has
been deformed. She rushes at Fran and grabs her by the neck.
Fran goes into an apoplectic fit, grabs her check, wheezes,
and then falls to the floor. A few more wheezes, and then
silence. ALICE stands silently, looking at Fran on the
floor. Henry stands silently, looking at Fran on the floor.
ALICE then kneels down and takes Fran’s pulse.
ALICE
We did it. It worked. It actually
worked. She’s dead.
Henry starts to cry.
ALICE (CONT’D)
What are you doing?
Henry continues to cry.
ALICE (CONT’D)
Stop it, Henry. Stop it. Get a hold of
yourself.
ALICE grabs Henry.
ALICE (CONT’D)
Listen to me. It’s over. Our plan has
worked, like clockwork. I can’t believe
it myself. What you’re feeling right now
is relief combined with guilt combined
with excitement. You’re confused.
That’s OK. But just remember, I love
you. There’s no confusion about that.
OK, Henry.
ALICE wipes Henry’s tears. Henry starts to calm down.
ALICE (CONT’D)
Ok, Henry. Now we have a small problem
I didn’t count on. Fran has no strong
soap or detergent. And without it, I
won’t be able to get this stuff off my
face. OK? So you have to go out to the
grocery and buy some Comet or Ajax or Dr.
Bronner’s. OK? OK, Henry?
HENRY
OK.
ALICE
OK. So here’s your jacket. OK. Now you
go. And relax. You must look relaxed
and calm. Like nothing’s wrong. OK,
Henry. Think about all the money and the
vacations to Europe and a new apartment
in Manhattan. Think about me and our new
home together. Think about all that.
OK, Henry.
HENRY
OK.
Henry puts his jacket on and goes to the door. He turns and
faces ALICE.
HENRY (CONT’D)
I love you.
ALICE
I know.
Henry leaves.
ALICE (CONT’D)
You can get up now, Fran.
Fran rises off the floor and stands. She appears a bit
unsteady. She holds her forehead.
FRAN
Oh Christ.
ALICE
What’s wrong?
FRAN
To act like I had a heart attack, I made
believe I had terrible chest pains…but
I actually gave myself chest pains.
Where are my pills?
ALICE hands her the vile. Fran takes one out and pops it in
her mouth. She places the vile back on the table. ALICE
places her arm around Fran.
ALICE
Feeling better?
FRAN
I don’t know. My arm hurts.
ALICE walks over to Fran and rubs her left arm. ALICE’s hand
moves up and down Fran’s arm in a very slow, deliberate
manner.
ALICE
Does that feel better?
FRAN
Yeah.
ALICE
What about this?
ALICE now moves her hand onto Fran’s neck, and then down to
her chest and starts to caress Fran’s breasts. Fran is
somewhat distracted by the pain she feels in her arm, trying
to ignore it.
ALICE
Don’t you think John Lennon was a genius?
He wrote what I consider to be the single
greatest line of poetry in the history of
the human race. He wrote that life is
what happens to you while you’re making
other plans. Don’t you think that’s just
brilliant? It captures the whole essence
of life. Y0u have dozens of plans for
your life, hundreds of dreams. God, I
used to have a new dream everyday. And
you make decisions, trying to reach those
dreams. You take one step at a time,
keeping your eye on the gold. But you
never seem to get to that spot. So you
shift the dream, alter it, cut it back.
You change it to make it more realistic.
But then, before you know it, you have to
change things again, you have to change
your dream. It’s like life has a mind of
its own and sort of laughs at you while
you’re having all your dreams and making
all your plans. So then, it’s a real
kick when things turn out the way you
want. When you plan something and they
actually turn out the way you want.
Admittedly we had some things going for
us. Like the fact that your brother is
an idiot and never suspected that you and
I are lovers and have been for eight
years.
FRAN
Nine.
ALICE
Nine.
Throughout ALICE’s monologue, Fran has continued to struggle
with arm and chest pain.
ALICE
So now everything is set. Our perfect
plan to commit the perfect murder is
about to come to fruition and you and I
shall have all the money, and your
moronic brother shall be put to rest in
the family plot next to his mother and
father. Maybe John Lennon is not such a
genius afterall.
At this comment, Fran starts to wheeze. This time it’s for
real. She grabs her chest and arm.
ALICE
Fran, what’s wrong.
FRAN
I…I…I’m…
Fran falls to the floor. ALICE is hysterical.
ALICE
Fran…Fran…Don’t do this…
Fran falls silent and motionless. She is in approximately
the same position as when she faked her death. ALICE rises,
staring at Fran in a state of shock. The door opens and in
walks Henry with a paper bag containing Ajax.
HENRY
I feel much better. The fresh air and
the walk made me feel better. I still
feel guilty, mind you, but it’s not like
we shot her or poisoned her, you know.
She had a heart attack. God has taken
her, not us. We had nothing to do with
it. Here’s the Ajax. Are you OK?
ALICE
Yeah. Fine.
ALICE takes the bag.
ALICE
I’ll clean up.
ALICE goes to the bedroom and shuts the door. Henry sits
down at the table. A moment passes. He picks up the Fran’s
vile of heart medicine pills in a moment of nostalgia.
He notices something. He opens the vile and sees only one
pill. We go to a close up on his face.
THE END.