Elf Scene Re-Written

We are in a department store during the Christmas holidays. Jovie is a store employee wearing a Santa hat or some kind of Christmas/Elf like hat. She is frazzled, upset. She is organizing toys or stock items. Buddy comes up and stares at Jovie. Buddy is wearing an Elf hat as well. There is awkward moment of staring.

Jovie: What are you staring at?

Buddy: I was standing over there and I thought you looked pretty so I came over to tell you that you looked pretty.

Jovie: Good. Thank you. Now go away and … and be weird with someone else.

Buddy: It’s nice to meet a human who shares my affinity for the Elf culture.

Jovie: Affinity? OK, look, I am having a day, a bad one, OK, so I don’t have an affinity for anything right now. I ‘m trying to get through to closing time. Got it.

Buddy: Get through? Christmas is the greatest day in the whole wide world.

Jovie: I haven’t seen you here before, which is probably a good thing. You just start, because after a few more days working here you’ll be wanting to slit your wrists.

Buddy: Uh - Oh. Sounds like someone needs to sing a Christmas Carol.

Jovie: Is there like a Christmas Party going on and their handing out pain killers, ‘cause I could use some right now.

Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

Jovie: Alright, Alright. I get it. The fight I had with the store manager – is that it? He sent you to drive me crazy? You are here to provoke me into doing something to get me fired? Well it ain’t going to happen. You can be the biggest weirdo in the world and I am not going to scream or yell or belt you in the face. Damn those multi-national corporations. They will do anything. They will do anything to exploit the worker. Even send someone pretending to be an idiot like you.

Buddy: It’s easy to sing loud. It’s just like talking, only louder and longer and you move up and down.

Jovie: You are not going to succeed. I am not going to make a scene. I will play along with this bullshit. OK. (loud like she is talking to the store manager) You hear me Mr. Store Manager, you capitalist pig. (to Buddy) So you are an Elf. Good. That’s wonderful. Yes. Yes. I love Elfs. The Elf culture.

Buddy: And part of that culture is to sing. And sing loud.

Jovie: Yeah. Cool. Watch this. We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy (whisper) fucking new year.

Buddy: Yes. That’s the Christmas spirit. You have it now. You have it. Don’t you feel better already.

Jovie: I feel great. I feel great. I love this job. I just love this job, organizing stupid toys on shelves and talking to piss ass little kids that whine and their mothers that fawn over their idiot children. I just love Christmas.

Buddy: Wow. You really must join me at the next Elf convention. Your positive spirit would lift the spirits of all the Elves that work for Santa.

Jovie looks at her watch.

Jovie: The store is closing in one minute, thank god. So you can run along now.

Buddy: I will see you tomorrow. And we will together help all the children in the world discover new toys. I enjoyed meeting you. You made my day and made me feel good about the world we live in. Thanks you.

Buddy leaves. Jovie has a moment where she realizes that maybe she had it wrong about Buddy.

THE END.

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