What Would Paris Do? by Gary O. Bennett
Lily sits on a couch reading an US Magazine. She is casually dressed and is flipping pages. On the floor is a very large green army duffel bag which is zipped tight and bulging. Piper walks in wearing a jacket and carrying a Starbucks cup. She hands it to Lily, who takes it without raising her eyes from the magazine. Piper sits opposite Lily on a chair.
Piper: It’s starting to smell.
Lily: That’s me. I farted.
Piper: Oh.
Lily: Hey, this is not a Venti. I told you to get me a Venti.
Piper: You told me to get you the largest cappuccino. So I got you a Grande.
Lily: You been in living in a closet? Venti is larger than a Grande. Like even my mother knows that. This is soy milk. You got me a soy milk cappuccino, right Piper?
Piper: I can’t remember now what I told the guy.
Lily: I am lactose intolerant. This has to be soy.
Piper: You’re not lactose intolerant. You had a Ben & Jerry’s the other day.
Lily: I’m having my period. I am lactose intolerant during my period.
Lily takes a sip.
Lily: It’s milk. It’s milk. I’ll get cramps. Lindsay Lohan is in re-hab again.
Piper: How long are we going to wait?
Lily: And Britney Spears looks like a pig with red lipstick.
Piper: Lily, how can you be so calm?
Lily: Calm? Am I calm? I am not calm, Piper. I am in my protective zone of denial. That is not calm.
Piper: OK. OK. How are we going to get rid of this?
Piper points to the duffel bag.
Lily: I’m thinking.
Piper: OK, this is not good. This is not good.
Lily: Thinking is not good?
Piper: Because the thinking should have been yesterday. Yesterday, thinking was good. Today…today it worries me.
Lily: You have to stop worrying, Piper. You’re going to get hives. Did you ever notice how Paris Hilton is always standing in the same pose? She’s got like one pose. What would Paris do?
Piper: What would Paris do about what?
Lily: About this. About our large duffel bag here. What would Paris do?
Piper: I don’t think Paris Hilton owns a duffel bag.
Lily: The point being if Paris had her boyfriend in a duffel, what would she do?
Piper: Jeez. I don’t think I know, Lily. You call this thinking? We have a major fucking problem on our hands, and Miss Protective Zone of Denial focusses on Paris Hilton.
Lily: At least I’m focusing. Your a basketcase. Chill so we can think. Damn. I’m getting cramps. I told you I would get cramps.
Piper: I’m a basketcase because I am responsible for this mess. I didn’t mean to kill George, you know. It was an accident.
Lily: Yeah, right. The hammer you used to smash his skull in was an accident.
Piper: I thought it would just be like a little bump, Lily. You don’t have to be so judgmental. Plus, jeez, I am upset, you know. I liked George. And now he’s…and now he’s in a duffel bag.
Lily: Excuse me, Piper, but he is in my duffel bag. The one you never returned to me after I loaned to you. The duffel bag that I used when I drove across country with Bill, who, by the way, never got any bumps on his head.
Piper: I thought you hated Bill.
Lily: I hate a lot of people. But I don’t kill them. I have a little self-restraint.
Piper starts to cry.
Lily: Piper. Piper. Would you stop that girlie shit. You killed your boyfriend. Don’t make into a federal case. It’s history. The only remaining problem, a minor one, is getting rid of the body.
Piper: Minor? This is a minor problem? (point to the duffel bag)
Lily: You undressed him, right?
Piper: Yes. He’s…he’s naked…(Piper starts to cry again)
Lily: Totally? Is he totally naked? No rings? No underwear?
Piper: He’s wearing socks.
Lily gets up, unzips one end of the bag and pulls out two white socks. Before she re-zips the bag she does a double take on something in the bag. She then zips the bag up. Lily sits back down loking concerned.
Piper: What’s the matter?
Lily: He has a tatoo with your name on it.
Piper: I know. That’s why I left the socks on to cover the name.
Lily: Oh like the forensic guys are not going to take the socks off. The first thing they do is take the clothes off. It’s on all the TV shows. And it’s your WHOLE fucking name. “I love Piper Morgan.”
Piper: Yeah. It was a beautiful gesture.
Lily: To make it even easier for the police, he should have put your email on his leg too.
Piper: My email? And get spam? Forget it.
Lily: So now we are going to have to cut off his lower leg.
Piper: What? We are doing no such thing.
Lily: We cut it off, put it in a wood chipper…I saw that on TV too…and then we toss the rest of George on a Greyhound bus to California.
Piper: I’m not going to California.
Lily: I know that. We buy a ticket, check the bag, and then skeedattle.
Piper: That’ll work?
Lily: See. See, I’m thinking. I’m thinking. I am thinking. So find a hack saw and start cutting.
Piper: You do it.
Lily: I’m not into the tool thing. I see you with the tools.
Piper: Oh, so I’m supposed to cut his leg off.
Lily: Who do you suggest then?
Piper: Why don’t we get Bill to do it, then kill him and send them both to California on a bus. Two duffle bags on a bus.
Lily: Is that supposed to be funny? Is that supposed to be funny?
Piper: Am I laughing?
Lily: He called me the other day begging to get back together. Can you believe that asshole, after having an affair with that silicone babe from his acting class.
Piper: Bill was taking acting classes?
Lily: He said he was rehearsing. That he had to have sex nine times to prepare for some acting exercise.
Piper: I hear actors do that.
Lily: Nine times. What, he couldn’t prepare with just one blow job. I hate that son-of-a-bitch.
Lily takes out her cell phone and punches in a few numbers.
Lily: (on the cell phone) Bill. Bill. Sweetheart. Yes. Yes. OK. I know, I know, it was part of your class thing. Yes. Yes. Look, I am at Piper’s apartment. You want to come over. Maybe we can, I don;t know, talk about getting away. Maybe taking a little trip. Yeah, now. Come over now. I am feeling….I am feeling like I need to just wrap you up and drag you around a little bit…that’s how much I want to see you. Yes. Good. See you in an hour.
Lily snaps the phone shut.
Piper: Lily, I was kidding. You are not going to…
Lily: So now we need a hack saw and a hammer.
Piper: I have a hammer, remember.
Lily: So you do the…you do the…cutting…the leg cutting. I’ll bop Bill on the head with the hammer. You’ll give me pointers, right? You know how to bop a guy on the head just right, don’t you?
Piper: Bill have any tatoos?
Lily: Yeah. “I love Mom.”
Piper: She won’t be a suspect.
Lily: You never met his Mom.
Piper: OK. OK. This is all very amusing. But it is not funny. This is not funny, Lily. You’re not killing Bill. And I’m not cutting any legs off. This is serious…for chrissake, I’m like in big trouble here.
Lily: Oh, that’s right. Think of yourself. How do you think George feels? How do you think I feel? I’m now stuck in the shit pile you have created.
Piper: Stop it.
Lily: We have to do something. And now you have me all wound up in your crime.
Piper: It’s not a crime, Lily. It was an accident.
Lily: Why didn’t you tell me you killed George before you so conveniently invited me over for lunch, huh? Which by the way you have not served. I’m starving.
Piper: All I have is cereal and three slices of pizza from last night. George and I didn’t finish it. He started yelling at me because I forgot to order the pepperoni.
Lily: Don’t tell me this is all about pepperoni?
Piper: I should never have had a hammer in the house. They say never keep weapons in the house. You never know when and how they will get used. Katie Couric did a thing on it last week.
Lily: Was the pizza delivered? Like by a pizza delivery guy?
Piper: Yeah.
Lily: And who answered the door? Who paid the guy?
Piper: George did.
Lily: Great. Now there is a witness that George was here. You…you…you…you are totally fucked Piper. I’m gettting out of here. You never invited me over. This is your problem. Your problem.
Piper: No. Please. Please don’t go. I’m so scared. What am I going to do? Please, Lily. You’re my best friend. I’m sorry I invited you over. But help me figure this out. Please help me. I am so in trouble.
Lily: Oh shit. Bill is coming over.
Lily pulls out her cell phone.
Lily: I can’t believe I invited Bill over. What was I thinking? Bill. Bill, listen, plans have changed. Piper and I have… what? You haven’t even left yet? I mean that much to you that you just liike wanted to rush right over, huh? And who are you talking to? Is that Rachel? That’s Rachel. I love it. You are such a jerk, Bill. You thought like you’d fuck around with Rachel then come over here and fuck around with me? Go to hell dickface.
Lily hangs up her cell phone.
Lily: I’ll get get my car. We’ll put some weights in the duffel. Drive to, I don’t know, the Delaware Water Gap and drop George in the river.
Piper: I’m scared.
Lily: Yeah, well, so am I. But we have no choice. It’s a Thelma and Louise thing, but we’re not going to drive off a cliff.
Piper: This isn’t going to work.
Lily: Probably not.
Pieer picks up the telephone.
Piper: Hi. There was an accident. There’s a dead body in my apartment. I’m at 101 West 81st Street. Apartment 7E. Yes. Yes. My name is Piper Morgan. Yes, it is my apartment. OK. OK.
Lily: What did you do that for? I had the whole Water Gap thing figured out.
Piper: It’s the right thing. I just did the right thing. My mother always told me if I do the right thing, God will take care of me. But can you help me take George out of the duffel. That might show we were planning on getting away with something.
Lily: You just did the Thelma and Louise thing. You drove us off a cliff.
Piper: It’s not what Paris Hilton would have done, huh?
Lily: You’re thinking of Paris Hilton at a time like this. I am out of here. It’s you and the police. And the right thing, Piper, is to not mention my name when the police get here. God will take care of you. I can’t.
Lily starts to walk backwards toward the door.
Lily: I love you, Piper. I love you. OK.
At that moment, a grunt is HEARD, and the girls see the duffel bag move. There is a long pause.
Piper: He’s alive. George is alive.
Lily: Are you joking me? You didn’t check his pulse? You didn’t check his pulse?
Piper: I don’t know how to do that.
Lily: You don;t know how to do that? You don’t know…
Lily rushes to Piper and hugs her, surprizing Piper. They remain in a hug for the rest of the scene.
Lily: This is crazy. Can’t you just have a normal day, for once, Piper. Just like maybe pick one day of the week, Tuesdays are good. Make Tuesdays normal, OK?
Piper: Do you think maybe we should take George out of the duffle bag? He might suffocate.
Lily: You know, it ain’t easy, but I love you, Piper. I love you.
Piper: I love you too.
THE END
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[...] Celeb wrote an interesting post today on What Would Paris Do? by Gary O. Bennett…Here’s a quick excerpt:Lily: And Britney Lances looks like a pig with red mascara, which, in my opinion, is absolutely accurate. On another note,piper: Lily, how can you be so calm? Lily: Calm? Am I calm? I am not calm, Piper. I am in my protective zone of disowning. That is not calm. Piper: OK. OK. … [...]
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