Pizza Delivery In A War Zone by Gary O. Bennett
INT. SHEILA’S APARTMENT
The door opens revealing RICHARD, a guy about 25 wearing a
Pizza Hut hat and holding a large pizza box. SHEILA, who has
short grey hair and is holding a shawl wrapped around her
shoulders as if she was trying to keep warm, is standing
inside the apartment.
RICHARD
Hey. That will be ten sixty five.
SHEILA
Okay.
Sheila doesn’t offer money. Awkward pause.
RICHARD
Okay. Good. Is someone else
getting the money?
SHEILA
No. I’m alone. Would you like to
come in?
RICHARD
Uh, no thank you, I have a lot of
other pizzas to deliver.
SHEILA
But I’ve set up such a nice dinner
for us.
RICHARD
Lady, I’m just the pizza guy.
SHEILA
What’s your name?
RICHARD
Richard.
SHEILA
Richard what?
RICHARD
Finkelstein. Richard Finkelstein.
Sheila reaches into her back pocket and pulls out a handgun,
pointing the barrel at Richard’s head.
SHEILA
My name is Sheila. You sure you
won’t have dinner with me?
CUT TO:
INT. SHEILA’S APARTMENT DINNER TABLE
There is a candle on the table. The pizza box is open, a few
slices are missing. A bottle of wine, with an empty wine
glass next to Richard, who sits opposite Sheila. The handgun
lies on its side next to Sheila’s right hand. Sheila is
sipping white wine from her wine glass.
SHEILA
I don’t like to drink alone.
RICHARD
You’re not…alone.
SHEILA
What I mean is…I prefer to share
what I am drinking with a man.
RICHARD
I don’t really like wine. You got
a beer? I’ll drink beer even
though I’m not supposed to be
drinking and working.
SHEILA
You’re working?
RICHARD
Well, yeah, I’m delivering pizzas,
lady…
SHEILA
You keep calling me lady, like I’m
your grandmother.
RICHARD
It’s a respect thing I show older
women, you know, like my mother.
SHEILA
You call your mother lady?
RICHARD
No, I mean, you look like my
mother’s age so I am in that
respectful mode.
SHEILA
How old do you think I am, Richard?
RICHARD
I don’t know. Forty…fifty.
SHEILA
Fifty? Fifty? Did you say fifty?
I’m not happy you said fifty,
Richard. This does not make me
happy.
RICHARD
You know, I, ah, really have to get
to my next delivery.
SHEILA
What’s your favorite thing to do?
RICHARD
My favorite…
SHEILA
Your favorite activities. A sport?
You like reading? Do you have a
hobby? Is this a difficult issue
for you?
RICHARD
No. I like…I like computer
games.
SHEILA
Computer games?
RICHARD
Yeah. You know, we can talk about
all this after I deliver my pizzas.
I really can’t lose this job,
again.
SHEILA
Tell me about the computer games.
I want to know.
RICHARD
You wouldn’t know anything about
this stuff. It wouldn’t mean
anything to you.
SHEILA
First you assume I am old. Now you
assume I am stupid. You going
insult me a third time?
RICHARD
I play Warcraft. World of
Warcraft. OK.
SHEILA
Yeah. What level is your
character?
RICHARD
Excuse me?
SHEILA
You get to level seventy yet?
RICHARD
You know about…
SHEILA
There you go again.
RICHARD
Sorry. No. My character is level
63.
SHEILA
You’re a Night Elf Rogue, aren’t
you?
RICHARD
Ah, no. No. I’m a Warrior. A
warrior.
SHEILA
Don’t lie to me. You’re a Night
Elf Rogue. A rogue. A female
rogue with long brown hair.
RICHARD
I am not. I am not. My Night Elf
has long hair, yeah, and wears
tights, but it is not a female.
OK. OK. So it’s a rogue. Big
deal.
SHEILA
A rogue with tights and long hair.
And you are not level 63. You are
level 70.
RICHARD
Look, I really have to go. I need
to hold onto my job, OK.
Plus…plus I am actually taking a
course in computer programming, OK.
And I have a test tomorrow.
Tomorrow. So I have to study for
it. I don’t have time for this.
How do you know I am level 70? You
can’t possibly know that.
Sheila takes off her grey hair, revealing that it was a wig,
her long brown hair falls down to her shoulders, and she
removes the shawl, revealing, well, a revealing tank top.
She picks up the handgun and points it at Richard.
SHEILA
You destroyed my guild last week.
You and your stupid alliance guild,
what do you call it, the League of
the Rightious? You’re Moondrager.
The leader.
RICHARD
You’re…you’re joking? Please
tell me you are joking, Sheila.
SHEILA
It’s Maximus. I am Maximus, a
Blood Elf Warlock leader of the
Guild of Hate.
RICHARD
You’re Maximus? But we…
SHEILA
Killed me…hah!…so you
thought…while you were decimating
my guild, I escaped to Warsong
Gulch.
RICHARD
OK. OK. This is all very
weird…and interesting. But we
have to keep our internet lives
separate from our real lives, don’t
we? This is not healthy.
SHEILA
We caucused last night in the
Arathi Basin and we decided that to
destroy the League of the
Rightious, we had to destroy
Moondrager. And to destroy
Moondrager we had to destroy
Richard Finkelstein. Without you,
there is no Moondrager. And
without Moondrager, your guild will
collapse. Long live the Horde.
RICHARD
Stop it. Just stop it, Sheila.
You are Sheila. Not Maximus. You
must separate yourself from your
gaming life, Sheila.
SHEILA
I am Maximus the Destroyer.
RICHARD
You are Sheila the Nutcase. I’m
joking. I’m joking, OK. Listen.
You are here, right here in the
real world, Sheila. See, this
happens. I knew this would happen.
These computer games get into our
blood and they can like change our
DNA. You have to come back to the
real world. Sheila, are you
listening to me?
SHEILA
Listening?
RICHARD
With your ears, Sheila. Listen
with your ears. You are not at a
keyboard. I am not a computer
screen. You are holding a gun not
a sword.
SHEILA
Yes. Yes. A gun.
RICHARD
OK. I did not mean to refer to the
gun so you can use it. Just as an
example that you and I are not in
Warcraft right now. We are here,
in your apartment. Eating pizza.
SHEILA
Yes. Yes. Eating pizza.
RICHARD
Yes. This is why I am taking a
computer programming course. It’s
like alcoholics anonymous. I have
to be slapped in the face like
weekly to grasp that Warcraft is nothing
more than computer code. Letters
and numbers and symbols, all code.
It is not real. It is not real.
Which reminds me, I really need to
study for my exam tomorrow.
CUT TO:
INT. SHEILA’S APARTMENT COUCH
Sheila and Richard sit on the couch. Richard is holding a
pad of paper and he is writing on the pad. Sheila is looking
at the pad.
RICHARD
You see this line of code. That is
essentially your character on
Warcraft. Well, actually, all it
is is your hair. It’s your
character’s hair. Red hair. I
can’t do the code for your entire
character. That’s like way
advanced stuff.
SHEILA
Hey, this is not permitted. The
Horde is not permitted to have a
relationship with the Alliance.
RICHARD
Sheila. Sheila, remember where we
are.
SHEILA
Yes. Right. Your name is Richard.
My name is Sheila.
RICHARD
And it is OK for us to have a
relationship, OK.
SHEILA
Really?
RICHARD
In theory. I mean, it’s OK. It’s
OK. In theory.
Sheila then grabs Richard and kisses him. It is a long kiss.
Richard relents.
SHEILA
You just kissed a Warlock.
RICHARD
Yeah. No. No. I just kissed a
beautiful woman. You are a woman,
Sheila.
SHEILA
And you are definitely not a
Warrior, Richard. You are a rogue.
Richard the Rogue. The best rogue
I have ever had.
RICHARD
How the hell did you find me?
SHEILA
Your profile is posted on My Space.
RICHARD
Shit. I really have to delete that
thing.
SHEILA
Give me a lesson.
RICHARD
Yeah. In what?
SHEILA
Re-write my code. Like right now.
With that remark, Sheila grabs Richard again and they kiss.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END.
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