The Monkey House by Gary O. Bennett
INT NOON
POV from a zoo cage looking through vertical bars. The
CAMERA is low, tilted up. CLAIRE stands impatiently,
glancing at her watch, looking down at the CAMERA, which is
behind bars. Suddenly BILLY pops in.
BILLY
Hi.
CLAIRE
You’re late.
BILLY
I’d like to know why they place birds
over there and lions over there and right
in the middle is the Monkey House. Does
that make sense?
CLAIRE
Did you bring the nuts?
BILLY
Yeah.
Billy offers the brown bag of peanuts to Claire.
CLAIRE
Feed him.
Billy starts pulling out peanuts from the paper bag, cracking
them open and throwing the shelled peanuts toward the camera.
BILLY
I’m feeling like this meeting you’ve set
up here is not going to bring me good
news, particularly after last night.
CLAIRE
What are you doing?
BILLY
I’m trying to talk to you.
CLAIRE
You’re deshelling the peanuts. Baboons
don’t eat deshelled peanuts. See how
they’re just lying at his feet. They
like to open them themselves.
BILLY
Is that what it is? A baboon.
CLAIRE
Notice the blue snout and the large
hands. I like the large hands.
BILLY
I didn’t know you had an interest in
monkeys.
CLAIRE
Baboons. I have an interest in baboons.
BILLY
This doesn’t extend to humans, does it?
CLAIRE
No. I have higher expectations from
baboons.
BILLY
Listen, about last night…I swear this
is a phase. I have these phases where
things don’t work.
CLAIRE
Phases?
BILLY
Yeah.
CLAIRE
How long do these phases last?
BILLY
I don’t know.
CLAIRE
Are we talking days, weeks, months?
BILLY
Actually, this current phase has been
lasting for about…for about a year or
so.
CLAIRE
A year or so? What does the “so” mean?
People don’t say a year or so unless they
mean longer than a year. Feed the
baboon.
BILLY
Look, this is embarrassing to me.
CLAIRE
There’s nbothing to be embarrassed about,
Billy. I am understanding. I am
compassionate. I am tolerant of your
medical condition.
BILLY
I don’t have a medical condition. This
is not medical. It’s psychological. I
have…I have fears.
CLAIRE
Fears?
BILLY
Yes…what is he doing? (pointing to the
baboon)’
CLAIRE
You don’t recognize what he’s doing?
BILLY
No. Yes. But…I’ve never seen such a
thing.
CLAIRE
You’ve never masterbated?
BILLY
I’ve never seen an animal masterbate.
Can we move to the Bird House, Claire.
CLAIRE
No. I want to see this.
BILLY
See what?
CLAIRE
I gave him one of these.
Claire hands Billy a capped vial. Billy looks at the label.
BILLY (cont’d)
You gave him…this is for humans.
CLAIRE
It appears to be working on our friend.
Anyway, I want you to try them.
BILLY
You brought me to the Monkey House to
convince me to take Viagra?
CLAIRE
Look at the size of his…aren’t you
convinced?
BILLY
These are for old men, men with high
blood pressure, men like Bob Dole and
Strom Thurmond. I’m healthy. I ran the
New York City Marathon last year. I
don’t need these.
CLAIRE
You’re impotent, Billy.
Billy doubles over in pain.
BILLY
Please…please don’t use that word.
CLAIRE
Yeah, OK…you have fears. It’s
psychological. But don’t you think this
baboon has fears? Don’t you think he’s
in a stressfull situation, ripped from
his homeland, living in a cage. I think
your psychological stresses are far less
severe than our baboon.
BILLY
His cage is bigger than my apartment. He
doesn’t pay rent. All his meals are
served to him.
CLAIRE
Take one right now. Here’s a bottle of
water. We’ll go back to my apartment. I
have everything set up.
BILLY
Did you ever think it just might be these
peanuts…or maybe your legs. How do you
know if it was these pills?
CLAIRE
Look at him. Look at the smile on his
face. Do you see that? Do you see the
size.
BILLY
That baboon is happy and content and has
low expectations. I have none of those
things.
CLAIRE
Yeah…that’s why you have a therapist.
BILLY
And anyway, just because he has an
erection, doesn’t mean he can climax,
Claire. And that’s an important part of
my experience.
At that moment, a milky substance squirts onto Billy’s pants.
CLAIRE
Meet me at my apartment in thirty
minutes. That’s how long the pills take.
Claire leaves. Billy stands there alone with the baboon.
THE END.
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