Where’s Charlie by Gary O. Bennett
EXT. ALLEY EARLY EVENING
ALVIN is in a suit, his back to a cinder clock wall, crouched
on the floor, drinking water from a bottle of Evian, and
holding a crumpled newspaper. BRENDA walks up. She’s
wearing sunglasses.
BRENDA
Where’s Charlie?
ALVIN
Don’t know. Who are you?
BRENDA
Playing games?
ALVIN
What do you mean?
BRENDA
I know you’re Charlie?
ALVIN
Who are you?
BRENDA
I’m supposed to meet Charlie here at
seven thirty. It’s now seven thirty
four. I hate when my appointments are
late.
ALVIN
Appointments for what?
BRENDA
So you’re not Charlie?
ALVIN
No.
BRENDA
What do you do?
ALVIN
I work…on Wall Street.
BRENDA
That doesn’t tell me anything.
ALVIN
I trade securities.
BRENDA
You work for Charlie?
ALVIN
With. I work with Charlie.
BRENDA
Touchy, touchy.
ALVIN
Look, I’m not in a mood to…socialize,
OK?
BRENDA
Charlie said today was a wild day.
ALVIN
Yeah.
BRENDA
Said he wanted to celebrate.
ALVIN
Yeah.
BRENDA
Yeah?
ALVIN
Yeah, what?
BRENDA
Yeah you don’t seem like you want to
celebrate.
ALVIN
Yeah.
BRENDA
Are all of Charlie’s friends as much fun
as you?
ALVIN
I don’t see you brimming over with
personality.
BRENDA
Yeah?
ALVIN
Are you Charlie’s girlfriend or
something?
BRENDA
Do you have money? Charlie has money.
ALVIN
You have to bring up money.
BRENDA
I guess that menas you don’t have any.
ALVIN
Don’t try to figure me out, OK.
BRENDA
OK.
ALVIN
Look, it’s a funny thing about money.
Take a look down there.
Alvin points down to the end of the alley.
ALVIN (cont’d)
Do you see that?
BRENDA
What?
ALVIN
That’s Wall Street. At one end of Wall
Street is a cemetery. At the other end
is a river. You make left to end it all,
you make a right to take a bath. Today I
took a bath.
BRENDA
Tomorroe you’ll end it all?
ALVIN
Thanks for the encouragement.
BRENDA
Should I care about you?
ALVIN
No. Yes. You should have a little
compassion.
BRENDA
You in trouble?
ALVIN
I guess you dn’t listen to the news.
BRENDA
No news is good news.
ALVIN
The market, the DOW, dropped 540 points
today. And I was long.
BRENDA
How long are you?
ALVIN
I owned stock. Charlie was short.
BRENDA
Charlie doesn’t own stock.
ALVIN
Let’s just say Charlie made a bundle
today and I lost…I lost my shirt. Two
point five million. In one day, two
point five million.
BRENDA
Most people don’t have two point five
million to lose…so don’t cry for me
sweetpea.
ALVIN
You don’t understand. It’s not my money.
It was my client’s money. I lost their
money.
BRENDA
Whoopsie.
ALVIN
Whoopsie? Whoopsie? What does that
mean?
BRENDA
Look it up.
ALVIN
I lost millions of dollars today and all
you can say is whoopsie?
BRENDA
What would you like me to say?
ALVIN
Never mind. I can’t expect you to
understand my situation.
BRENDA
So the market will go back up. Think of
it like an erection.
ALVIN
Excuse me?
BRENDA
An erection. You ever get one of those?
ALVIN
How is an erection relevant to the stock
market?
BRENDA
It’s up…it’s down…it’ll go up again,
right?
ALVIN
Are you certain you’re a friend of
Charlie’s?
BRENDA
Look at it another way. You have no
control over the market.
ALVIN
Yeah.
BRENDA
But I assume you have control over your
erections.
ALVIN
What’s your point?
BRENDA
There’s no point in getting upset over
things you can’t control.
ALVIN
Who are you?
BRENDA
Name’s Brenda.
ALVIN
Alvin.
BRENDA
Like the chipmunk?
ALVIN
You can’t think of another example?
BRENDA
Is there a famous Alvin other than the
chipmunk?
ALVIN
Haven’t thought of one yet.
BRENDA
There’s a town in Texas named Alvin.
ALVIN
Yeah?
BRENDA
Yeah.
ALVIN
You been there.
BRENDA
I was born there.
ALVIN
You’re joking? You’re not going to
believe this, but my mother’s name is
Brenda.
BRENDA
Uh oh.
ALVIN
No…it’s true.
BRENDA
Look, I can’t wait for Charlie
anymore…he and I were doing a
transaction.
ALVIN
Oh, I see.
BRENDA
You see what?
ALVIN
You’re an escort.
BRENDA
No. I’m not an escort. I sell…I sell
cosmetics.
ALVIN
Charlie’s buying cosmetics?
Brenda pulls a small plastic bag out of her purse. It
contains a white powder.
BRENDA
Can you give Charlie this for me?
ALVIN
What’s that?
BRENDA
White rouge.
ALVIN
White rouge my ass.
BRENDA
White rouge your ass? Would you like me
to do it now?
ALVIN
I’m not taking that.
BRENDA
Would you like to try some?
ALVIN
No.
BRENDA
Look, you’re bummed. This will make you
feel good about yourself.
ALVIN
Yeah…for how long, thirty minutes?
BRENDA
Twenty, maybe.
ALVIN
Is that what you use to feel good?
BRENDA
Sometimes.
ALVIN
Is that why you’re wearing sunglasses?
To hide the red eyes and bags?
Brenda lowers her sunglasses to the tip of her nose.
BRENDA
Do I have bags?
ALVIN
Maybe a little.
BRENDA
Are my eyes red?
ALVIN
Hazel.
Brenda takes a good look at Alvin. Alvin takes a good look
at Brenda.
BRENDA
You have a roommate?
ALVIN
Yeah. You?
BRENDA
Yeah.
ALVIN
Mine’s an actor.
BRENDA
Worst kind.
ALVIN
I hate roommates.
BRENDA
Ditto.
ALVIN
I love…I love room service.
BRENDA
Room service?
ALVIN
Yeah. If only I could stay in a hotel
everynight, with room service every
morning…
BRENDA
Then you would what?
ALVIN
Then I’d be happy.
BRENDA
Oh, I doubt that.
ALVIN
Yeah…you think so?
BRENDA
You going to stay in a hotel all by
yourself? Wouldn’t you want company?
ALVIN
No. I hate people.
BRENDA
You hate people today. Tomorrow when you
have money you’ll like people again.
ALVIN
You’re a therapist too?
BRENDA
Accupuncture.
ALVIN
Accupuncture?
BRENDA
Yeah, I’m going to school to get
certified.
ALVIN
You’re a drug dealer and you’re going to
medical school?
BRENDA
Chinese medicine. The drugs help me pay
for tuition.
ALVIN
I thought you had to leave.
BRENDA
You know too much. I have to now get rid
of you.
ALVIN
What did you say?
BRENDA
I have to get rid of you.
ALVIN
This is a joke, right? Charlie sent you
to pull a big joke on me, is that it?
BRENDA
I know where you live.
ALVIN
You mean you’re not going to dis me hear?
BRENDA
It’s better to do it in the bedroom.
ALVIN
Why is that?
BRENDA
Privacy.
ALVIN
How are you going to kill me?
BRENDA
We’ll make love first.
ALVIN
What’s that?
BRENDA
Then I’ll see if you get those erections
you were bragging about.
ALVIN
I wasn’t bragging about my erections.
BRENDA
It sounded like bragging to me.
ALVIN
This is the most ridiculous conversation
I have ever had.
BRENDA
We have a lot in common.
ALVIN
Yeah? What?
BRENDA
I love room service too.
ALVIN
That’s not enough.
BRENDA
I love champagne and strawberries.
ALVIN
I’m allergic to strawberries.
BRENDA
Any other medical problems?
ALVIN
I have an ulcer.
BRENDA
So do I.
ALVIN
No kidding.
BRENDA
I have a lot of stress. Like right now,
for instance.
ALVIN
I’m giving you stress?
BRENDA
Heartburn.
ALVIN
Women don’t get heartburn.
BRENDA
So you’re a sexist too. Something else
we have in common.
ALVIN
I don’t think we have anything in common.
BRENDA
The two Alvins…the two Brendas…the
two ulcers…the room service…the
sexism…maybe we should get married.
What hotel do you want to go to?
ALVIN
I like them all.
BRENDA
Forget it then.
ALVIN
Forget what?
BRENDA
I’m not going to just any hotel.
ALVIN
Who said you were going?
BRENDA
I’m good.
ALVIN
So you are an escort.
BRENDA
No. I don’t want any money. I just
want…I just want a little affection.
ALVIN
I don’t have any affection.
BRENDA
Do you have a credit card?
ALVIN
Yeah.
BRENDA
That’s all you need.
ALVIN
So I’m paying for the room, is that it?
BRENDA
You better use it before they find out
you’re out of money and our of a job.
ALVIN
I didn’t say I was out of a job.
BRENDA
You think they’re going to keep you after
today?
ALVIN
Maybe you have a point.
BRENDA
I want a view of Central Park.
ALVIN
So do I.
BRENDA
I want it tonight.
Alvin turns to Brenda and takes a long look.
ALVIN
You know, I’m certain I understand this,
but I feel like kissing you.
BRENDA
I understand it…I understand
completely.
THE END.
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