Star Wars Mania by Gary Bennett
INT. BASEMENT NIGHT
KEENAN sits in a chair, unconscious and bloody. A bloddied
baseball bat comes into frame and pokes Keenan. Kennan
slowly wakes from his battered stated of unconsciousness. We
CUT TO his POV, which is initially out of focus, but slowly
becomes clear on JOAN, who holds the baseball bat.
JOAN
A couple of times during the movie, I
htought you had ducked out on me.
No response.
JOAN (cont’d)
You don’t want to say anything. At the
bar yuou spoke a blue streak…online you
didn’t stop talking about this and that,
mostly yourself. Now…now you can’t say
anything. Now you have nothing to say.
KEENAN
What did you do?
JOAN
What did I do? What did I do? Do you
know what you did? You walked out four
times on The Phantom Menace. Four times.
KEENAN
I had to use the bathroom.
JOAN
No. No. Noone uses the bathroom four
times during The Phantom Menace.
KEENAN
The line was four hours long. I had
three Cokes and a bottle of beer. My
bladder was full.
JOAN
At crucial times like this, you should
inform a girl up front that you have a
small bladder. Do you know hoe
embarrassing it is to have your boyfriend
get up four times during the most
important cinematic event in history.
People were looking at me. People were
looking at me. Like who is this geek of
yours.
KEENAN
Listen, I’m not your boyfriend. We just
met tonight at a bar, OK? Maybe you
should rethink your approach here.
JOAN
You don’t pee during The Phantom Menace.
You don’t do anything but sit there and
take in the beauty and the power of
Lucas. And the fact that you got up, got
up four fucking times means I missed
moments…I was distracted from crucial
moments…I missed story points. Do
understand the tragedy of this. To miss
a Star Wars story point.
KEENAN
I think you broke my teeth.
JOAN
Broke your teeth? This is your concern,
that I broke your teeth. You humiliate
me infront of a thousand people and your
concerned about a couple of broken teeth.
KEENAN
Where are we?
JOAN
The basement. The basement of the
theater. The storage room. It’s way in
the back…if you scream, no one will
hear you.
KEENAN
You seemed like such a nice girl at the
bar. So normal.
JOAN
I am a nice girl. BUt I am not normal.
I’m special. It’s just that no one knows
how special I am. But now, maybe now,
somebody is getting the idea. Somebody
is getting the idea that I have somehting
to give. I am here to protect the
respect this film deserves…and no two
bit, cheesy ass pick up guy is going to
make fun of Lucas or me by unloading his
bladder four times.
KEENAN
Did you break my leg too?
JOAN
I hit you all over. Just not in the
skull. That would have killed you and
then…and then I would have no one to
talk to. You missed the end.
KEENAN
Yeah. What happened?
JOAN
Fuck you. I’m not going to tell you.
You miss the end and you want me to tell
you?
KEENAN
I paid for your ticket.
JOAN
I’m starting to get irritated now.
KEENAN
My mother told me to stay away from bars.
JOAN
Excuse me?
KEENAN
Nothing.
JOAN
No…I said excuse me…you answer
me…you answer me when I ask you a
question?
KEENAN
I said my mother advised me against the
adviseability of meeting starnbhgers in
the bars. I mean, do you think we’re
compatible?
JOAN
I don’t knw? How can I know? We haven’t
spent enough time together to decide such
a thing.
KEENAN
My guess is that it’s not going to work
out.
JOAN
Oh, your guess is…what’s that about?
Yopu don’t like the way I look? It’s a
sex thing, is that it?
You’re not attracted to me? You know
what my mother told me, that guys don’t
give you a chance. That they just don’t
give you a fucking chance. I think we
have proof of that right here.
KEENAN
You play baseball.
JOAN
No. But I’m a fan.
KEENAN
You swing that baby like Mark McGuire.
JOAN
You think so.
KEENAN
Yeah. You seem to connect.
JOAN
Yeah, that I do.
KEENAN
Mets or Yankees?
JOAN
Mets.
KEENAN
Same here.
JOAN
Fuck you. I’m a Yankee fan. Only fags
and wimps are Mets fans. And the fact
that you are a Mwet fan means I think I’m
going to take one more swing. You fuck,
trying to sweet talk me into small
talk…I should just pull a JFK on you.
Smash your brains all over this basement.
I wonder what sound it makes. I wonder
what sound wood on bone makes.
KEENAN
I promise…we can go to a Yankee game
and I’ll sit through The Phantom Menace
again. Just so we can get to know each
other better. OK?
JOAN
Liar. You men are all liars. Wood on
bone. Sorry.
Joan takes a fast swing of the bat.
CUT TO BLACK.
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