I Hate Men by Gary O. Bennett
INT. BAR NIGHT
Abigail sits at a bar frame right. Barbie sits fram left.
They are both drinking, heavily, from two bottles of
champagne, pouring them into glasses.
ABIGAIL
I hate them.
BARBIE
You don’t hate them.
ABIGAIL
I hate everyone of them. Every single
living and breathing one of them.
BARBIE
This is a phase, Abigail.
ABIGAIL
Don’t tell me it’s a phase. This is not
a phase. This is a millennium. You need
a millennium of time to hold all the hate
I have for men.
BARBIE
When a man calls you on the phone, you’ll
stop hating them again.
ABIGAIL
This hate is not based on a phone call.
This hate is like…granite…it’s like a
mountain that will never go away…it’s
like a river that never stops
flowing….it’s like the expanse of the
universe, it’s like billions and billions
of stars.
BARBIE
Listen Carl Sagan, I have to…
ABIGAIL
This hate has the permanence of a Sequoia
tree…the strength of a bull…the
weight of a pachyderm.
BARBIE
Pacyderm?
ABIGAIL
And I don’t just hate Tom as a person…I
hate every cell in Tom’s stinking body.
I hate his legs, I hate his arms, I hate
his fingers. I even hate his organs, his
liver and pancreas and kidneys.
BARBIE
Talking about kidneys, I…
ABIGAIL
And forget about his heart.
Barbie can’t hold it any longer. She gets up to go to the
bathroom. Abigail continues to talk, not noticing the
absence of Barbie.
ABIGAIL (cont’d)
Just forget about his heart. He doesn’t
even have one of those. Can you imagine,
no heart. Nothing beats inside him.
He’s like this dead cold hunk of meat. I
don’t get it. I don’t get how he could
even find a woman to sleep with him. OK,
so I slept with him…plenty. Slept with
him at his apartment, at my apartment, in
the car, at my parent’s house…christ,
that asshole actually made me do it with
him at my parent’s house, in my parent’s
bed.
Cassie walks by with an empty glass and notices the bottle of
champagne. Cassie approaches the bar and sits, placing her
glass on the bartop and pours herself a hefty serving.
Abigail doesn’t notice that Cassie is there, thinking she is
still talking to Barbie.
ABIGAIL (cont’d)
In my parent’s bed. Sorry Mom. Sorry
Dad. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s
not about you. It’s just about men…not
you Dad, just other men. Men who screw
women…and don’t think about the
consequences.
Cassie is listening to this tirade, particularly because at
several points Abigail nudges Cassie, touching her, grabbing
her, placing her head on her shoulder, never noticing that
Cassie is not Barbie.
ABIGAIL (cont’d)
About the consequences of sleeping
around. Oh, how could he sleep with that
bitch Wendy. Wendy, of all people. I
hate that woman. You can’t trust women
either.
Oh, I can trust you, Barb, but some women
are just so…so disgusting, like a guy
is some pair of pants hanging at Old Navy
to be picked off the rack and taken to
the dressing room to be fucked. That’s
right…that’s where they did it. In the
dressing room at Old Navy. Hah! Tom and
Wendy didn’t know that my friend Jennifer
was part timing at Old Navy. Creeps.
Jennifer tells me the whole row of
dressing rooms was shaking and that Wendy
let out this scream. Scream. Wendy’s a
screamer. A real phoney if you ask me.
I never scream. You can’t trust
screamers. Damn, you can’t trust men,
you can’t trust women, you can’t trust
our own president. Poor Hillary. The
poor thing. I don’t know why she just
doesn’t dump the fat load. Fat load. So
I gained two fucking pounds…I didn’t
even notice it until Tom said something.
And so what does he do, he goes right out
and finds the first anorexic to fuck. I
have a body. I have muscles. I’ve got
breasts, goddamn it. Wendy, she’s like
Ally McBeal on a diet. I can’t take it.
I can’t take it. I feel faint. I have
to breath. I have to breath.
Abigail takes a deep breath, as does Cassie. Cassie,
breathes with Abigail, and then polishes off Barbie’s bottle.
As Abigail continues, Cassie slowly gets up and walks away.
ABIGAIL (cont’d)
OK. OK. That’s better. You have to
take care of yourself. You have to take
care of yourself. I mean, who’s going to
take of you if not you?
Barbie returns to the bar, sits and notices that her bottle
of champagne is empty.
ABIGAIL (cont’d)
I am a human being. I am a whole living
breathing human being that deserves love
and respect. And I am so lucky. I am so
lucky to have a friend like you Barbie.
You are so wonderful. Oh my god, thank
you so much for listening to me, for
understanding my situation. You are the
only one who ever listens.
Abigail kisses Barbie and hugs her.
ABIGAIL (cont’d)
I love you Barbie. I love you so much.
We women have to stick together. Thank
you. Thank you so much.
THE END.
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